My Daughter’s Fight with a rare autoimmune disease.

My daughter is allergic to and cannot absorb iron, hence her iron levels are constantly low and she is constantly fighting severe anaemia and all the resulting side effects. This is a condition that effects .02 percent of people and very little is known about it. The immunologic basis of allergic hypersensitivity to iron agents is not known. Last year she was given an iron infusion, which sent her onto anaphylaxis, even with the use of  large doses of antihistamines.

The doctors can’t get to the bottom of her health problems and have said she cannot have another iron infusion unless she is near death as the risks associated with infusion are too high, the anaphylaxis may cause her heart to stop. So, iron agents will only be used if the benefits are clearly judged to outweigh the potential risks.

If she were younger, I would know how to be. I would take charge. I would talk with everyone involved, set up her appointments, be there for every single appointment, question the doctors, advocate for her, advise her what to do. But she is an adult, so I can’t do these things. Nor should I; this is her disease, which she will be dealing with for the rest of her life. She will learn to manage her health and her health care by herself.

But she is my child, the mother of two of my granddaughters. She will always be my child. I will always be there for her, whenever  she wants me at appointments, I am there, whenever she wants me, I am there. She is very responsible, she is capable, but I cannot stop my eyes from randomly filling with water, nor allay my fears. I cannot stop myself from lying awake at night, nor from waking each morning at 4:00 am, unable to sleep. She is my child and I love her fiercely and I cannot help but wonder why should it be her, why can’t it be me?

Then I remember, yes she is strong and  believe  all will be fine. She is her own woman, and this I know; I  love her and she loves me. 🌹


Imagination, shapes and Airy Nothings


An Atheist is simply a person who does not believe in any gods at all. What each Atheist believes about an afterlife is different. Remember Atheists are not uniform in their beliefs… the only uniformity is the rejecting of gods and superstition …

Interestingly early on in the Bible it was not just one god….Psalm 82
A psalm of Asaph.

God presides in the great assembly;
he renders judgment among the “gods”:

“How long will you defend the unjust
and show partiality to the wicked?
Defend the weak and the fatherless;
uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.
Rescue the weak and the needy;
deliver them from the hand of the wicked.

“The ‘gods’ know nothing, they understand nothing.
They walk about in darkness;
all the foundations of the earth are shaken.

“I said, ‘You are “gods”;
you are all sons of the Most High.’
But you will die like mere mortals;
you will fall like every other ruler.”

Rise up, O God, judge the earth,
for all the nations are your inheritance.

Jesus quotes Psalm 82 as a defence against accusations that he was blaspheming. It is a funny little snippet of the Bible.

Further.., Ecclesiastes 3.

(This is one of the books of the Bible that assumes there is NO AFTERLIFE. The most common quote is..”ECC 3:12 – I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.”)

But I like this one.

18 I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. 19 Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. 20 All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. 21 Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?”

22 So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?

You can’t ask that!

I am glad to have watched tonight’s episode of “You Can’t Ask That. “ as it dealt with sexual assault. It was painful and also cathartic. It was good to hear that freeze is common and not divulging is common- and that the victims mostly feel somehow it’s their fault and that self loathing follows.

I did not cry till after the program was done, but throughout the show felt uncomfortable, sad, angry and fidgety. It makes you realise that no matter how far something is put out of your mind, some things just act as a triggering to make you feel like it just happened yesterday.

One question was, “what did you do afterwards?”- interesting that most said, you just got on with your life, some, like myself, didn’t speak of it to anybody for years.

We have an amazing capacity to put things into a box in our mind and close the box tightly.

The Next … thingy thing?

Our Home Hmmm what could it be? How to change your perception of yourself, that is a question commonly asked and often not answered. Turmoil; In decay, the spirit of putrescence flutters with black wings in the autumn wind.

“Secrets. Everyone has them. The light of day and truth reveal some secrets to be nagging obsessions or habits, while other secrets may be as incriminating as a literal decaying skeleton in one’s closet.”
― Kenn BivinsPious



Our Home

To my friends and family, our home is a safe zone. A cuppa can be on in minutes, or a glass of wine if that’s what is needed 🙂 Our home is a place of respite and non judgment. You are welcome anytime. We can talk, share a laugh or just listen. A problem shared is a problem halved. Talking about a problem with someone else usually makes it seem less daunting or troubling.

We have food or we can always order take out, we can eat and cry. I will always do my best to be available… you are always welcome!


Darkness can be deep and claustrophobic, so dense it strokes your skin. The darkness I often meet is thick with tears, hugging close like an old and familiar friend. It is like blue velvet, softly sensuous yet alluringly dangerous. Darkness folds about you like a felt blanket, sometimes cold, sometimes warm, sometimes comforting but isolating, even when the children of my imagination visit, darkness can be lonely.

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Mum hospital

re my Mum 26/10/16

Doctors- the rapid dementia caused by long term high BP, diabetes and TIAs->lack of oxygen to the brain. Arterial fibrillation probably coming on over past month could be from urinary tract infection and TIAs.

Wanting MRI because mum has a small- they think possibly benign tumour at base if her brain- doctors only told Kathy and myself, have not mentioned to Dad yet, waiting for MRI results. She is also covered with a variety of skin cancers, none melanoma…

They believe- as we have thought – she is having TIAs which also adds to dementia-

The medication for the arterial fibrillation they believe is too much risk -increases falls risk- they also said not having the meds is increased stroke risk. But it was agreed that the falls and bleed risk was too great.

Denise – social worker- said dad as her carer must be an enabler and husband- not her slave.  Denise said rehab would be a waste as mum couldn’t remember having it let alone remember what was taught. Denise also taught dad how to make mum get in and out of a chair.

Denise believes home is best for the moment so workers and assessments can be done for the future- she believes it will come to a point of no return sooner rather than later.

Dad knows that all we can do now is keep her comfortable and wait, he is hoping she passes at home before having to go to the hospital again. Luckily we were able to get a 6 week plan and level 2 plan to follow- Denise wanted ACAT assessment at home rather than hospital to give a better and more real picture of how dad is coping.

They are sending her home tomorrow- ACAT hopefully will call also tomorrow re first interview.

I don’t know, it could continue for some years, or end tonight, sadly I hope it’s not too long as she is over living and dad won’t cope with this sort of stress.